In Limbo

This is a very strange time of year for both Tom and I, the year is almost over and although I will be staying I am not sure what Tom is going to do. He is the type of person who does absolutely no planning, I used to live like this but I have discovered recentlly that I can't get anything done if I don't plan. I dunno if he even knows what he is going to do, everyone tells me I should put less time and effort into my brother. Although this is not the type of thing I would do he has certainly put less time and effort into me. I moved into my new apartment on the 19th of may and as of yet Tom has not come by once, in fact the relationship with both Stoerm and Tom has become very one sided from my point of view. It's literally impossible for me to stay calm around Stoerm, it seems as though he says the most insulting thing he could possibly say in front of people who I wish to respect me. Usually I feel like injuring him but I tend to act rashly in some other way, I feel I have grown to be a very violent individual in some ways. Although I have never struck anyone out of anger, I have a very good grasp on the situation. I grow tired of being contradicted, I don't see things the same way as anyone else does. I do not have the same boundaries that many normal people have and that seems to make some people uneasy. I am not sure what to do about it, this post is a good point. I am sure Stoerm will read it at some point and be somewhat hurt by the things I have said, however he has hurt me so many times since he came to China that it doesn't really bother me. I used to be able to take the things he said pretty well because I was nobody when I was back home. I have always had a very less than human feeling from Stoerm and I am starting to get that same feeling from Tom and I don't like it.
I am a very different, very well respected person in this city. lots of people know me, like me, and treat me as an equal. It seems as though Stoerm is treating me just like he would back in the US and I demand more respect now, that is all there is to it. Every time I protest I get talked to like a child and it seems like my only option is to get violent about the whole thing because I am not heard out. You know, how can those to expect me to pay the money I owe them when all they really do is treat me like shit. I mean they took me out for my birthday, but I would have done the same for them and prolly more. It's strange, most people would consider me a fairly generous person, yet the people I really love treat me like retarded homeless person. I dunno maybe asking to be treated like an equal amongst people who feel superior to everyone else in the first place is just to much to ask.
I have a great many friends here who love me, treat me well, and realize I am a fairly smart person. I value their firendship, Stoerm and Tom and many of you out there that claim to understand me ... simply don't. Anyhow this is turning into another tortured rant, I am going to get enough trouble from this one anyway. I suppose I don't care right now

Doing well with my savings, should be able to cover many of my debts next check, gotta start my day.

32 Yuan a day

I am desperate to save money so I have developed a plan, I am only going to spend 32 yuan a day. This works out to around 1000 Yuan a month, 32 is actually a considerable amount of money for china. Over the past few days I have been doing this I haven't even spent all the money and I have eaten micky d's once. I was thinking about doing a few videos on this. I have also given myself a taxi and grocery budget of 300 a piece. I think this may be a little much right now, but we will have to see.

Back on my feet

After being seriously Ill for several days I am back on my feet and at work. I think the break was good for me, my attitude about work has improved a bit. Although, don't get me wrong. I am still working towards the weekends. I have developed a plan about spending and saving, I am going to limit myself to spending 1000 yuan a month on stuff, that works out to around 32 a day. I believe that this is a resonable amount of daily money, anything I don't spend I am saving towards going out to bars and such, it's possible that I may not spend anything some days and that's 32 in the bank right there. I need to buy some furniture for my place, as well as a better TV perhaps. I also still need a better camera, and there are a couple other things I wouldn't mind having. There is still some vacationing I need to do as well since I haven't done any. So it's important that I save for these things, not to mention it would be great to bring some money home and start a savings account and such, and then just start the saving process over again. When I decide to move back home for good I'll have some money to do something with. I wonder when I became bad at saving, when I was young I remember being so good at it. Anyway all, I need to get to class.

Clinics and time

As of right now I believe I am 13 hours ahead of you guys, so here it is already my birthday. 2:22 in the A.M. to be exact, thanks for all the happy birthdays. I am just sorry I can't spend it at home with all of you, and of course happy anniversary to the "G-Rents" :). To answer your question Grandma there are plenty of clinics and dentists that you can go to. However, it's easier said than done in some cases. You see everything in China works on a cash basis, well almost everything. There is medical insurance but it really only covers major surgery's and such, and isn't provided by my current school. So in order to get anythjing done with my teeth or eyes. (Both of them need alot of work) I am going to have to pay for it out of pocket. I don't really make very much even by Chinese ESL standards. I have heard I can find good dentists here and I plan on having a couple bridges done, but I have to save. There is no such thing as minutes on credit for your cell here, every cell is pre paid for the most part. I really wish america was still this way, we would all have to learn to be happy with less, and appreciate what we have more. Anyway I am still pretty ill and need some rest, goodnight all.

Violently Ill

I haven't been feeling all that well over several days, I have been very upset at not being able to take my birthday off and such. Not to mention the overall stress of work getting to me. I seemed more or less fine all day, but right around lunchtime I started to develop a headache over my right eye. Being that I have almost zero money I hadn't really eaten in a while, I paid for some food in change and gobbled it down quickly on the way back to work. When I got there I was feeling even worse, however i thought it would subside. I was sitting in class with some students and I found it to be incredibly hot, it's normally a little hot at school but it was really hot. I was concerned when my students told me that it was only 25 degrees, this is around 76-78 degrees. Perhaps a little warm but nothing that should make me sweat buckets, then I started becoming cold and getting chills, then I would be hot again. Then the nausia came and I had to excuse myself from class a couple times, upon my return my students suggested I should "Have a rest" and told me that they had suggested to my bosses that i have the rest of the night off, and had taken care of my classes.
My boss walked me home and pointed out several times that I looked awful, he was right. I gave Stoerm a call and he suggested rest and time off. I still had the headache, it had turned into a migrain. I'm all out of I.B.P. so there was little to help the pain. I took off my cloths and turned on my ac and crawled into bed. I thought settng the temp at 23 would be a good idea since I am normally comfortable at this temp, i would have to convince myself that my temp was fine wether I felt to hot or to cold. It was difficult to fall asleep, it seemed like an hour or so went by when my cell rang, it was Joy the teachers assitant from the school informing me that she had the advance of 200 yuan, but I had gone home early. I said all i wanted to do was go back to sleep and it was likely I wouldn't be coming in tomorrow, other than to pick up the cash so I could get some medacine and some food. Sitting here now I don't feel much better, my teeth hurt badly too and I am going to be forced to have some extensive dental work done. I have to get back in bed for a few hours.

Birthday

Well, I am coming up on the big 29 this friday. I guess that I'll be 29 here before I am there, hmmm I wonder if I should celebrate by beijing time or by central time? Well I guess I was born in central time ... anyway. Dad sorry I missed your birthday, but I am going to try to get a calling card and give you a talk on fathers day if I can. Money is really tight right now so I will only be able to afford one, we won't be able to talk for long but it should be better than nothing. I have been having a lot of trouble with a co worker lately, he has a problem with me "telling tales out of school". I have a problem with him because he acts like some asshole from the bay area ... because he is some asshole from the bay area. All I ever see this guy do is acting self important and shoving micky d's into his gullet. One thing I would never do is chew another someone out in front of our co workers. Well he tore me a pretty good asshole in front of ours, perhaps what i was doing wasn't right but at the very least I had already spoken to those people about their unprofessionalism and such. I have tried to appologize on at least two occasions, but he just says he is uninterested in what I have to say. So the guy wants an appology, but he won't take one, what an asshole. The only one making the work environment hostile right now is him.
I have dived into a few old tv series, ALF, Quantum Leap, and the original star trek series just to name a few. Those shows are so much better now that I am older, I guess I liked them for different reasons when I was younger. Anyhow, gotta go to class.

Linda thanks for the happy birthday

Neutered

You know I have always been that person that is always wrong, I grow more and more tired of this. I can sit down with a few people I know and consider my friends, but it's like there is always some type of contradiction to everything I say, it's like everything I say is wrong somehow. It's gotten to where I don't want to say anything when I am with other people, partially why I don't go out very much anymore. It's like there is no point to even saying anything anymore, it happens to me so much that I must be an idiot. It's like I am always the submissive whore in the conversation, it's like having my balls cut off. I have no idea wether it's me at this point or not, these days I really prefer to spend my time alone. I am becoming reclusive again and I was hoping to avoid that. I guess in the end you have to do what works for you, since no one seems to have any interest in what I say these days I am just going to put my efforts into writing and see where that takes me.

Ho Hum

I find myself needing a real break, we aren't going to have any real time off of work until Autumn. If I want to travel, realisticly I won' t be able to do so until the winter break. I really find myself needing a break now though, a serious one. Things have become so tedious and stressful ... Sigh ... I have to go to class.

Tedium

Things have been difficult for me lately, I moved out of our apartment early. I did this because of several reasons, with Stoerm there it was just to crowded for the three of us, and there was a lack of consideration when it came to privacy. Frankly I also don't get along with Stoerm as well as I used to, I find that there are certain people I can't be around for more than a few hours at time and Stoerm sadly has become one of those people. You know I was discussing friendship in my english corner yesterday and I stumbled onto something about myself. I really don't care about what someone does for a living, I try to be friends with people based on other things than success. I would also hope that people would want me to be their friends for other reasons than their own success. So when my friends go on about their own accomplishments, or go on and on about hwo successful and wealthy they have become, I feel that that is all fine and well, but should it have an impact on our relationship? I certainly don't think so, I mean I don't like to toot my own horn, some might say that is because I have nothing to toot it about. Perhaps they are right but at the same time should it matter? These are things that I will ponder on for a few days.
I also tire of people who must point out how bad something you have is. My brother baught me a guitar amp for Christmas, it's nothing special, but I can plug my guitar into it and play it. Someone that works with Tom came over and tried it out and nearly every time I see him now he goes on about how my amp's distortion sucks. Frankly it's not that bad it just sounds a certain way, it has that tight 80's sound to it. I know it sucks, I don't need to hear it all the time. It's like people telling me I am fat everyday ... I KNOW!!!! I get it, just tell me once and I will commit it to memory. I would like something better but I have to go all the way to Xi An to buy something at least decent, and I am a very low paid teacher even by chinese standards. You don't walk into someones house and go on and on about how it's smaller than mine.
I am going to do some traveling, I am thinking about going to another country rather than traveling in china. I really need to go somewhere where I can have a decent conversation with someone, so the only place I may be interested in going in china may be Hong Kong, most people speak english there and they are very polite. I am also considering Australia, England, Scotland, Ireland, or possibly even at a stretch New York. Logically it will prolly be Hong Kong, or Australia, but it will be a few months anyhow ... Japan is also a possibillity, I just want to go somewhere that I don't need a visa for.
I am in the hole for money for a while, I am just trying to stay at home more and save money. Who knows I may just wait a while and come home. Anyhow I have to get ready for class, another update later.