You know, I fancy myself a bit of a writer. Not many of you have ever read my writing so I thought I would give it a try. Although I have been having a lot of trouble finding something to write about, and after reading Holly’s post on Tom’s blog it struck me, I thought I would write about jealousy, not a pretty subject I know, but this is something I have been accused of and I think it is something I need to address and come clean about as it were. Just fair warning, some of the things you are about to read may be a little shocking.
First I believe I should point out that I am not the type of person that believes you can just turn off an emotion, I mean if this were possible then a society not unlike Vulcan would be very possible, but really … how fun would that be. I think many of our emotions are interesting and I really like dealing with them most of the time, even the dark emotions that people try to avoid stir something in me … something good … something that lets me know I am still alive and still human, that does of course include jealousy. I will be the first person to admit that I am an occasionally jealous person, and yes particularly of my little brother. I think many of you feel that I am a very bad person, most of you feel that I am not nice, and that I don't have anything positive to say. Really I am simply the one person around willing to point out the perfectly reasonable thing that no one else is willing to bring up, I am a realist. I see much of this in a few of my other relatives, and I relish in the fact that people can still put it to me like it is. I have an amazing amount of respect for these individuals, we may not see eye to eye all the time but still there is a modicum of respect at least. So on to the topic at hand, good old fashioned jealousy.
Am I jealous of Tom? Without a doubt, I am more jealous of him than any other person I know, he also knows this and I believe he relishes in it quite a bit. He’s like some supreme being. My teeth are falling out of my head, his aren't and I took far better care of mine during the crucial period, he doesn't really try at all and things just fall into his lap. Who wouldn't be jealous of something like that when your around it all the time? Tom is good with the ladies too; most of them won't give me a second look. I suppose some of us were born losers and some of us were born winners, as much as tom thinks he was born with problems he is the atypical idea of a winner and if I’m not a loser I dunno who is. Don't think I haven't quit trying either J it doesn't always work out that way.
You know when I was growing up I had it all figured out, I was going to be a rich rock star, I was going to do soundtracks for video games, in my mind I had it made. I was Ronnie James Dio in my head, but in reality I was a talent less kid that would soon be going nowhere. I guess with all the problems growing up I felt that I deserved it, I figured “How could God deny me.” I felt I rightfully deserved those things, odviously fate decided I didn’t. Right around college is when I became quite good at making my own problems, I was doing well until Carrie walked into my life and took my 3.8 GPA and ground it into the dirt, of course I have no one to blame but myself for that. I was the one that lost concentration; I could have simply managed things better. Things seemed so much easier when I was a kid, not really with what was going on with mom and all that but I just had everything figured out. I still think I have the floor plans to the house I designed somewhere when I was like 8 or 10 or something like that. I never thought I was going to be “That guy.” I never thought I was going to be the one who is always trying to get ahead, scrimping to save money, and having to come to another country to finally get something out of life other than disappointment. There is still the jealousy however. I feel it’s a healthy emotion at times, I mean there wouldn't be “Healthy Competition” without jealousy. Now amongst all the negative are a few positive notes, as jealous as I am I love Tom, and some thing in me really wants him to be happy. I’ll go out in the rain and cold to get food because he doesn't want to, and I am good with Christmas and birthdays, at least I try to be. No one wants to be less important or less thought of by others, many however wish to be themselves and that entails problems now and then. If there is one thing I have always strived to be, it’s to be different, the last thing I want to do is look or sound like everyone else. Perhaps this has lead to a disadvantage in life for me. My brother mentioned problems, and being born with them and making them. Tom has managed his life well and therefore has few problems, I could argue a few fine points but I digress. My father has also managed his life well but he has many problems, many of those problems are my fault. I don't know that I can agree with the assessment that there are only two types of problems.
You know I was relaxing last night, and I remembered a long time ago my father said something about self esteem to me. Keep in mind that I have nothing but the utmost respect for my father, but that doesn't change what he said. I won't utter the comment here but it was very negative, this was when our mother’s problems were worsening and becoming more evident. I understand that he felt he had other things to worry about at the time, and I believe we were discussing self esteem in school; this would have been around the time that I was repeating second grade, perhaps 3rd or 4th grade. Otherwise I never would have brought it up. Anyhow, what he said that day had a profound effect on me for the rest of my life. I began to feel that my own self worth was all but nothing and I soon came to realize that most people around me felt the same way about each other. People just don't care enough about how other people feel anymore, after all it’s not like your smashing them upside the head with a wedge of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick, your just being insensitive to the way they feel, what kinda crime is that right? This is when I noticed a few things about myself, for one thing I had never really felt jealousy before, but I was feeling it then. All the other kids around me with happy families that were doing well, and everything for me was a mess, kids that got new cloths twice a school year and I had to wear the same cloths for three years in a row if I could. Back then I understood that dad made a lot of money and it was hard to understand why we seemingly had nothing all the time. Sure we had a nice sound system at home, we had a nice tv, and a nice house. Those things never seemed to matter to me until I got a little older, but the seed of jealousy was already planted. Secondly I began to fall into depression around this time as well, my grades started slipping, I had to repeat second grade, and soon after I had to join the resource program at school, a program for kids with single digit IQ’s that couldn't keep their own drool in their mouth. What everyone might not know is this is also when I began drinking, sneaking liquor out of moms bottle at home wasn’t hard, in fact I drank up until junior high at least a few times a week. I was constantly furious at the world around me; it felt as though I had nothing. I cared about other people … but not really myself, I loved my parents and my brother but they just seemed so caught up in everything that was going on at the time. Aside from a few family vacations and big events here and there, this part of my childhood is almost lost to me and perhaps it is better forgotten.
Around my last year of junior high I had stopped drinking and I was doing much better on the swim team, I was making a few personal accomplishments, for a while I was pretty content with my school life, my grades were still shit most of the time but at least I found something I was kinda good at. However I was spending a big part of my days around half naked teenage girls and they started to become very interesting to me. I became very sexually interested in fact, and any form of straight pornography I could get my hands on was quite exciting. This is something that I still have trouble with today, I really like pornography, I got in big trouble one time for this offence when my father found a XXX movie in my sock drawer. It is also a movie that is very hard to find now, I was upset and disappointed because we were going to Mo Ranch in a few days. I was also very confused because at this point I was still very religious. I consider my last year of Jr. High one of the better years of my life as I was making some changes, some of them weren’t good but they were changes none the less. Soon jealousy began to rear it’s ugly head again. Even though Tom was three years behind me, he was making very good grades in school and mom and dad were very proud of him, rightfully so. Mom and Dad were just happy if I passed, it hurt to hand in a report card with shit grades on it, but I really didn't see the point, I still felt like I was going no where. Also, lots of guys in school had really cute girlfriends. Everyone seemed to think I was gay at the time, rumors had been spreading of my homosexuality since 7th grade, I am not really sure how it started. Even though I was in good shape from swimming, I could have been in much better shape. The self worth that had been on the rise began to fall again very quickly and I wanted to know how I could have what these guys have. So I started doing nefarious things to gain their trust and respect. Holding things in my locker, or on my person for the school day or so. Waiting around for people to hand off a package at swimming before I went to Linda’s or Grandma’s at the end of the day. I became a bad kid, doing bad things, for nothing more than a reputation. It was around this time that the rumors of my homosexuality began to subside; after all I was providing or at least working as a hub for most of the adult material in the school. I realize now that all of these things were fed by jealousy of the people around me and in my life. This type of rebellious behavior carried over into my high school life, I was good at keeping plenty of things on the down low, but I really wasn’t getting anywhere. I did get in trouble in HS plenty of times for not cutting my hair, or shaving, stuff like that, nothing major.
So all of you may be asking why I have ranted for 3 pages about this subject, the answer is that you should use me as an example. Many of the things in my life I did out of jealousy, it got me no where. I have had far better luck using my jealousy as a tool to get things done in my life, and I feel that I have become a far more generous person. It isn't easy all the time but it is rewarding when you are finally appreciated for something rather than being some package boy that no one would ever expect. However, I will never be one that believes in suppressing emotions, we are what we are.
Stay tuned for my next topic
